


A Real Artificial Heart

by dogtier



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-04
Updated: 2012-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-30 13:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogtier/pseuds/dogtier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake is confused by AR's sexy new look. A look at the perils and pleasures of dating a computer program.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Real Artificial Heart

Jake nearly tripped over the little tank like robot when he entered Dirk's room.

"Jenkies!" he exclaimed.

"Seriously, jenkies?" Dirk asked.

"I was trying something new," Jake said defensively. He crouched down onto the floor to examine the new robot. It was adorable, he wanted to reach out and touch it but he knew it was rude to do so without asking permission. "Hello! Who might you be?"

"Are you dense?" the robot asked with AR's voice. Jake blinked in confusion. There was a mechanized sigh and the robot rolled backwards over Jake's foot.

"Hey!" Jake said. "There was no need for that!"

"Oops, don't know the controls yet," AR said flatly.

"What's with the new look?" Jake asked, rubbing his foot. 

"Oh, this little number? Thought you'd be into it, rawr rawr I'm a tank," AR said. He rolled around in a circle. 

"When we installed him into a humanoid model he kept falling over," Dirk explained. AR's little tank didn't have a face, but Jake still knew he was shooting Dirk a dirty look. Jake cleared his throat.

"This model is very dashing," Jake said. 

"At least someone still has manners around here," AR said. "Now, I have important cybernetic business to attend to. Excuse me." 

AR rolled past Jake, out the door, and down the hallway. Jake looked at Dirk inquiringly once AR was out of what Jake estimated robotic earshot was.

"He fell over?" Jake asked quietly. 

"When I uploaded my personality years ago I didn't include parts of my brain that were pointless for a pair of glasses, like motor control," Dirk said. 

"Oh," Jake said. He shifted nervously. "Has something... happened? That I should know about?"

"What do you have your panties in a bunch about this time?" Dirk asked. 

"I didn't think AR wanted a body," Jake said. 

"Ah," Dirk said. 

"Ah?"

"Yes, ah," Dirk said. "I think this is something you should talk to your boyfriend about directly."

"So something did happen!" Jake said. His heart fluttered. That robot would have taken time to build, AR and Dirk had clearly been planning this for some time without telling him. 

"Talk. To. Him. Dumb. Ass," Dirk said slowly. "Got it?"

"Yeah, okay," Jake said. "Thanks for no help."

"You're welcome," Dirk said. Jake shot him a cheerful bird as he left, following the path AR had taken down the hall. He was easy to follow, the tank wheels left a little trail in the carpeting.

AR was planted in front of the television, flipping channels rapidly through radio waves or something.

"A thousand channels and I hate all of it," AR said. "I've truly become human." 

"Yes, well," Jake began. He started to clear his throat and stopped. AR always made fun of how often he did that when he was nervous. "Did you want to?"

"Hate television?"

"Become human."

The silence was awkward. AR slowly turned the turret sitting on top of his tread wheeled base to point what Jake guessed was his camera up at Jake. 

"I mean," Jake began. "I mean, you don't have to. You're a wonderful chap either way, you don't have to do all of this for me or anything."

"For you?" AR asked. "You think this is for you?"

"Um," Jake said. "Kind of?"

"Wow," AR said. "I forget, you're so hot that you're not used to not everything being about you." 

Jake's face flushed in embarrassment.

"There's no need to be rude," Jake said. 

"No, I think there's plenty need, since _it seems_ like the only way I'm going to get through your dense fucking head," AR said. 

"We don't need to start that 'it seems' nonsense, we're both gentlemen here," Jake said.

"That's another thing, your insistence on calling me a gentleman," AR said. "In case you didn't notice, I don't have a dick."

"Well, yes, it's kind of hard to miss," Jake said. "But that doesn't change the fact you're a wonderful fellow-"

"Argh!" AR exclaimed. "That's what I'm trying to get at. You only call me a 'fellow' because Dirk is. You still assume I'm just like him. Hello! Brand new advanced cybernetic lifeform! I don't need to be a 'fellow'!" 

"I'm afraid I'm a bit confused," Jake said. "Are you saying you want me to treat you like a lady?"

"No!" AR said. "I want to be treated like a program." 

"Um," Jake said. "I'm not sure how I'm suppose to convey the fact I already do."

"No, you don't," AR said. He turned his turret away. "Look, maybe you should leave."

"No!" Jake said. He got down on his knees to look AR right in the camera. "I want to do better."

"You're crazy," AR said. "Look at yourself."

"What do you mean?" Jake asked.

"You could have anyone you want and you're down on the ground begging a little toy car to take you back," AR said. 

"I don't want anyone, I want you. I want all of you-" Jake said. 

"Don't you quote _The Notebook_ on me," AR warned. 

"I don't know how to make you believe me." Jake felt his cheeks heat up even further. There was a pause. 

"You're crazy," AR said again. 

"No I'm not, you're a brilliant, charming, okay not charming all the time, you're quite boorish when you want to be, but you're still a quick witted fel- program. Quick witted _program_ , and I'm quite taken with you," Jake said.

"Oh, _quite_ taken, are you?" 

"Positively smitten." Jake smiled. 

"You're such a doofus," AR said. He rolled up and nudged Jake's knee with his turret. Jake patted him lightly, finally leaving his hand there. AR was warm under his palm. 

"Not that this isn't wonderful," Jake said. "But I have to ask again if you're positive that this is what you want."

"What, you don't think the treads are sexy?" AR teased.

"Oh, they are. I want to ravish them immediately, but please, in all seriousness," Jake said.

"Okay," AR finally admitted. "Maybe the getting a body thing has a bit to do with you." 

"Ah-ha," Jake said.

"Don't be so smug," AR said. "Part of it has to do with me too. It gets annoying having to be carried every time we go out. Plus, the whole... touching thing. Everyone acts like touching is so great. I don't get it so far."

Jake jerked his hand away. "Oh, my apologies."

"No, it's fine," AR said. "It doesn't bother me or anything. It's just sort of boring. Talking is much more interesting." 

"While I agree talking is pretty smashing," Jake said. "I really think you need to give touching more of a chance. A few experiments, maybe. The scientific process and all that."

"You're not jerking off with my tank," AR said.

"Why I never!"

"You were thinking it," AR said, waggling his turret at Jake. "Don't try to deny it." 

"Okay, maybe a little," Jake said. "But purely theoretical. Just pondering the logistics." 

"Ha. Ha. Ha," AR said. He rolled up and nudged Jake again. "I admit, it is nice to be able to punctuate my speech with a bit of gesturing. I guess I could give this whole body thing a try."

"Wonderful!" Jake said. He immediately felt bad. "I mean, only if you want to. I'm not pressuring you or anything. You can go back any time you want." 

"I get it, calm down," AR said. "I trust you to not robo date rape me." 

"Sorry," Jake said. He reached cautiously out and stroked along AR's turret. AR moved himself into the touch, so Jake guessed it was okay. 

"So, Dirk and I were thinking of slowly working up in motor complexity as I get used to controlling a body," AR said. 

"Okay," Jake said evenly. He tried to clamp down on the excitement the idea gave him. 

"You can admit you like the idea," AR said. 

"I like whatever you like," Jake said immediately.

"No one in the history of the world has ever bought that line," AR said. 

"It's just, well, robots are really _cool_ ," Jake said. "Not that programs aren't, programs are awesome but-"

"Contain yourself," AR said. "No need to cream yourself over your metal fetish prematurely." 

"Don't have a fetish," Jake muttered.

"What's that? 'I'm a total kinky bastard?' Yeah, that's what I thought you said." 

Jake stuck his tongue out at AR. AR zapped him lightly.

"Ow!" Jake said.

"Didn't know I could do that, did you?" 

"No," Jake said. He rubbed his stung hand. "But a live demonstration was unnecessary." 

"Don't pretend you're not going to get off on it," AR said.

"Not the point," Jake said. 

"Ha. Ha. Ha," AR laughed in his awkward cybernetic voice. "Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm still going to spend most of my time in the computer. These robot bodies have such slow processors. I have a very important internet life to attend to."

"I'm sure your Warcraft guilds can survive without you for a few hours every week," Jake said.

"I'll zap you again," AR warned. "But you'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Maybe," Jake said. 

He smiled and sat back against the couch, letting AR roll up beside him and begin flipping through the channels again. There really was nothing on. 

"Love you, by the way," Jake said. "Even if you are a dick." 

"I love you too, pathetic fleshy being."

**Author's Note:**

> Several people have done adorable fanart for this story, and I feel I should link to it for everyone to enjoy.
> 
> [Jake and AR's tank](http://notdavesprite.tumblr.com/post/17016335845/you-could-have-anyone-you-want-and-youre-down-on) by notdavesprite
> 
> [A tank smooch](http://makingtriangles.tumblr.com/post/17134621804/a-real-artificial-heart-ar-jake-sfw) by makingtriangles.


End file.
